


So Far Away From Believing

by tea_and_oranges



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, ballum - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:40:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_and_oranges/pseuds/tea_and_oranges
Summary: One Ballum scene in EE this week isn't enough so I wrote another one. Follows on from the end of Monday 22/07





	So Far Away From Believing

“Oh, you’re back?”  
Kathy smiled at Ben as she walked into the kitchen carrying a pile of dirty plates in from the living room.  
“Did your dad like his cake?”  
“Yeah, he loved it,” Ben tried to look sincere as he smiled at Kathy, hiding the broken boxing trophy behind his back. He waited until she started filling the sink before quietly dropping the trophy in the bin.  
“It’s good to see you both getting on. I know he hasn’t always been the best dad...I haven’t been the best mum for that matter...but we both love you and want what’s best for you. You know that, don’t you?”  
“Yeah, I know.” Ben faked another smile.  
“Well, now you’re back you can help me clear up in there.”  
“Actually, Mum, I need to get some air.” Ben moved towards the door.  
“Ben!”  
“I won’t be long. And leave the washing up, I'll do it when I get back.” Ben kissed Kathy on the cheek and walked out of the door.

Ben headed towards the Vic but as he crossed the square he changed his mind and sat down on the bench. He didn’t want a drink, not really. He wanted the oblivion it brought but he didn’t need another hangover. And, as much as he hated to admit it, his dad had been right about one thing: he wasn’t being fair to Lexi. He could still remember the fear he’d felt as a child whenever Phil went through a phase of heavy drinking, which seemed to Ben had been pretty much all of his childhood. The constant walking on eggshells, never knowing what kind of mood Phil was going to be in from one day, one minute even, to the next; always worrying that he might say or do something to make him kick off. He couldn’t bear the thought of Lexi feeling that way about him. And, he told himself, he was never going to make her feel like he felt right now. Like a complete mug. Ben clenched his fist until he could feel his fingernails cutting into the palm of his hand. He felt a rush of anger and hatred for Phil but more than that he was angry at himself for letting himself believe that, maybe, finally... Ben sighed and shook his head. He should never have come back here. Or at least he should have come with a better plan. He’d had to resort to playing the long game, but it was getting too long now. The longer he was around Phil, the more Phil got to mess with his head. And Ben had sworn he was not going to let him do that anymore. He slid the ring on his finger upwards and touched the scarred skin. He got out his phone and typed out a text.  
“Thank you for the card. Thinking of you both too x”  
The reply came almost immediately.  
“You’re welcome. How are you keeping?”  
“I’m good thanks. You?”  
“We’re both well. We’d love to see you if you’re ever down this way x"  
Ben looked at his phone pensively and started typing again.  
“How about this weekend?”  
“That would be lovely! See you then x"  
Ben smiled and put his phone away. At least he’d made one good decision today. A break would do him good, he needed to get away, clear his head and decide on his next move. After all, there was nothing worth staying in Walford for right now.  
“Ben?”  
Ben blinked as he looked up to see Callum standing in front of him, holding out a cup of coffee.  
“What's this?” Ben frowned.  
“Coffee.”  
“Why?” Ben asked suspiciously.  
“I just...You seemed upset this morning and then I saw you sitting here...”  
“Oh great, so now I’ve got a stalker. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with.”  
“I just wanted to see if you were okay. But if you’d rather be on your own...”  
Callum placed the coffee cup on the bench and started to walk away.  
“Callum! Wait,” Ben called after him. Callum turned and Ben nodded towards the bench.  
“Thanks,” Ben said, picking up the coffee as Callum sat down.“And sorry. It’s just been one of those days.”  
“Anything I can do to help?”  
“Tell me I’m adopted? Or there was a mix up at the hospital or something. Anything that means HE...” Ben’s voice was full of venom as he gestured with his thumb towards the Mitchell house. “isn’t actually my dad.”  
“Families, eh?” Callum said, taking a sip of his coffee. “I get it.”  
“I know.”  
A peaceful silence hung in the air between them. They both knew what bonded them in that moment, words were not needed.  
“I just don’t understand,” Ben said eventually breaking the silence. “Why does he always have to do this? Make me feel like I’m finally getting it right just so he can turn around and make me feel like I’m nothing, like I’ll never be good enough.”  
“I don’t know. I asked myself that question all the time about my dad. Then someone gave me some advice. He told me I had to realise that no matter how much I try, he’s never going to be the dad I want him to be. He’s just some bloke who got my mum pregnant.”  
Ben turned to look at Callum, who returned his gaze with a knowing smile. Ben shook his head.  
“Yeah, well, whoever told you that didn’t know what he was talking about. He sounds like a right idiot.”  
“No he’s not.” Callum said, gently but firmly.  
A small smile appeared on Ben’s lips. He took a sip of coffee as he felt Callum turning to look at him.  
“Ben...” Callum said tentatively. “Your face...was it Stuart?”  
Ben let out a sarcastic laugh and put down his coffee.  
“Okay, now it makes sense,” he said bitterly. “The coffee and sympathy. You just want to make sure I’m going to keep another guilty secret for you.”  
“So it was him?” Callum raised his eyes in shock and disbelief then got to his feet. “Right, I’m going to...”  
“It wasn’t him,” Ben said wearily. “But you thought it was, didn’t you? That’s why you’re here.”  
“No.” Callum sat back down on the bench. “I told you, I’m here because I’m worried about you. You’re my friend, I care about you.”  
“Sure.”  
“I do care about you, Ben. Why do you find that so hard to believe?”  
“Because...because there’s only ever been one person in my life who really cared about me. And he ain’t here anymore.”  
“Paul?” Callum asked softly.  
Ben nodded, toying with the ring on his finger.  
“It’s three years ago this week.”  
“I’m sorry...”  
Ben shrugged silently. Callum shifted closer to Ben and cleared his throat.  
“Listen,” he said hesitantly. “I know I never knew Paul...”  
“No, you didn’t,” Ben said, a harsh edge to his voice.  
“So tell me about him. What was he like?”  
“Why do you want to know about Paul?” Ben asked tetchily.  
“I just thought...at work, sometimes people find it helps to talk about the person they’ve lost.”  
Ben remained silent, staring down at his hands. Callum began to think he’d made a mistake in trying to get Ben to open up. He was about to get to his feet when Ben finally spoke.  
“He was just a good bloke, you know? He was kind, patient, funny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t a pushover but...I’m not a good person...”  
“Don’t say that...” Callum said but Ben ignored him.  
“I’m not a good person,” Ben repeated. “But Paul had enough goodness for both of us. It was like he cancelled out all the bad stuff about me. For the first time in my life, I just felt normal. I mean, happy as well obviously, but normal, you know? I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I don’t just mean being gay, all the other stuff. The stuff I went to prison for; the whole ‘Mitchell family values’ thing...Paul didn’t care about any of that. He was the first person I could ever be myself with; I mean, truly be myself. He made me stop hating myself.”  
Callum nodded silently. Ben’s words had struck a chord within him and he felt his thoughts turn inward. He shook his head to snap himself out of it and focus on Ben. But that was precisely the problem.  
“He sounds like a great guy...” Callum said finally.  
“He was. Way too good for me.”  
“Don’t say that.”  
“It’s the truth.”  
“Well, he obviously didn’t think so, did he?”  
“Okay, so he wasn’t perfect. He had terrible taste in men.”  
“Ben...” Callum rolled his eyes but smiled affectionately at him.  
“Okay, okay. I’ll stop the pity party.”  
Ben sighed and took a sip of his coffee.  
“I suppose I should be thankful for the time I did have with him. What is it they say? ‘Better to have loved and lost than to never love at all'. Some people never even have that.”  
Callum nodded silently, his thoughts turning to himself again.  
“It’s just so hard,” Ben continued. “I thought I had a future and then just like that,” Ben snapped his fingers, “it was gone.”  
“You’ve still got a future. I mean, no one will ever take Paul’s place but...surely he wouldn’t want...”  
“You don't know what he'd want!” Ben snapped.  
“I know,” Callum said quickly, worried that Ben was about to lose his cool . “So you tell me, what would he want? You knew him better than anyone. What would he want you to do?”  
Ben turned to look at Callum, his eyes wide and questioning. Callum held his gaze for a second then looked around quickly before reaching out and placing his hand over Ben’s and letting it rest there for a few seconds until Callum cleared his throat nervously.  
“I...do you...” his eyes darted anxiously between Ben's face and the surroundings of the square. “We should go for a drink or something. Not now, at the weekend. Just the two of us. We could go into town...”  
Ben pulled his hand away from Callum, burning rage replacing the warmth of Callum’s touch.  
“I’m sorry, what?!” he glared angrily at Callum. “Did I miss something and you and Whitney split up?”  
“No...I.. “  
“I just poured my heart out over my dead boyfriend and you ask me out on a date while your girlfriend’s at home planning your wedding?!”  
“Ben...” Callum tried to speak but he knew it was hopeless when Ben went into rant mode.  
“You wanna know what Paul would’ve wanted?! I’ll tell you what he wouldn’t want. He wouldn’t want anyone to feel like I made him feel when I was with Abi. Like he was second best, like he didn’t matter. Like he was just some dirty little secret.”  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just...”  
Callum reached out for Ben’s arm but Ben pushed him away.  
“Don't touch me!”  
Ben stormed off through the square, throwing his coffee cup in the bin as he went. Callum hesitated for a moment before rushing to catch up with him just as he reached the gate.  
“Ben! I’m sorry, that came out all wrong.”  
“At least it did come out.”  
Callum looked away, embarrassed and awkward.  
“Look, I was just trying to be a friend, be there for you like you were for me with my dad. I thought a night out, change of scenery, might do you good. Or if you just wanted to go somewhere and talk, about Paul or your dad...But just as friends.”  
“Oh, so you don’t actually fancy me then?” Ben ran his tongue over his bottom lip, his eyes piercing into Callum’s, daring him to deny it.  
“I just can’t win with you,” Callum sighed, forcing himself to look away from Ben.  
“Yeah well, anyway I’ve already got plans to get away from here.”  
“What? For good?!” Callum’s voice was full of shock and fear, eliciting a tiny, knowing smile from Ben.  
“No, just for the weekend. I’m going to go and see Pam and Les, Paul’s grandparents.”  
“Oh...Oh, that’s great,” the relief in Callum’s voice was mirrored in his face.  
“Yeah,” Ben said quietly. “Anyway, I promised my mum I’d do the washing up so...”  
Callum stepped aside to let Ben pass but before he could stop himself he reached out and touched Ben’s upper arm, just below the sleeve of his t-shirt.  
“If you ever need a friend...” Callum said gently.  
Ben smiled sadly and shook his head.  
“Nah.”  
Callum frowned, hurt and confusion in his eyes.  
“But...”  
Ben turned his eyes to Callum’s hand on his arm. Callum followed his gaze and realised his thumb had slipped under Ben’s sleeve and was stroking the skin underneath it. He hadn’t even noticed but Ben had. Callum held his thumb still but kept his hand on Ben’s arm as his eyes met Ben’s, the yearning in his gaze reflecting Callum’s own. Callum stroked Ben’s arm one more time before finally pulling away.  
“You and me...we can never be just friends,” Ben said sadly. He turned and headed out of the square, blinking back tears. He opened the door to the Beale house, hesitated for a second, then walked inside without looking back.  
Callum watched the door close behind Ben, wiped his tears away, his hand still warm from Ben’s skin, and slowly headed home.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes  
> I'm full of anger and grieving  
> So far away from believing  
> that any sun will reappear 
> 
> The Little Things That Give You Away - U2


End file.
